isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
