fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.