we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down