Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
