I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
