I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
please come you make the beer taste better
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
