All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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