This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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