Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
