I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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