That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
