I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Randomize
