I'm going to jail i love you
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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