i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
