Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
