Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
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you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
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As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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