Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
