I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
