i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
