I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
