mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
