Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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