Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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