I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
