i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
