oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
