I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
