I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Pants are for mortals
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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