just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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