He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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