Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
