i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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