Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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