The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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