hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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