you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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