Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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