soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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