So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
