so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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