Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
