he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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