who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That accounts for only three of the penises
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
