peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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