i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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