We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
