I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
