I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
the condom got lost in my hair
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
