I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
