so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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