Umm I'm too high to move.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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