If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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