Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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