I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
