i already hear my dad disowning me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
